Don’t beat yourself up about how much weight you’ve put on since you decided to make you own people. The experience of having children is magnificent but they can turn you from ‘Little Miss hottie’ in to Big Mrs Blobby. Instead of getting grumpy on some low carb; high protein, no alcohol, sugar free, kill joy diet; take the celebrity approach to looking seriously skinny. The two key items you will need to immediately drop 10 kilo in perceived size are a bucket size takeaway coffee and some novelty size sunglasses. It’s an old Hollywood trick that has been handed down from generation to generation of tubby celebrities.

(Here we have a big glasses, 2 giant coffees + mega handbag combo)

If you don’t live near a café and are worried about having a fresh coffee at the ready, a prosthetic coffee is just the trick. This large novelty size coffee is part of a prosthetic arm that neatly slides over the existing one and saves you a fortune on coffees. You may not know this but Katie Holmes is not a tiny 53-kilo, she is actually a whopping 93 kilo.

(This is Katie without a giant coffee)

Katie like many Hollywood types makes sure she never leaves the mansion without a gigantic novelty size coffee. The bucket size brew is so effective for immediate weight loss you will be perceived to be the size of a child in an instant.

(This is Katie with a novelty size coffee looking at least 40kg lighter)

Mary Kate Olsen is a refuted 104 kilo not the 4 kilo previously claimed. The actual size of Mary Kate Olsen’s sunglasses is a whopping one-meter in diameter. (Each eye!) The risk of being snapped by a pesky pap without it and ending up in a local trash magazine, under the title “Starlet bends over and causes total eclipse” is therefore minimized.

(Jackie O - the pioneer and some might say weight loss guru)

Now that you get the gist of upsizing your accessories, don’t stop there, take the Alice in wonderland approach to home décor and buy some novelty size furniture.

Log on to EBAY and find yourself a Santa Claus throne. To really exaggerate the look, give your guests kiddie chairs and they will just look in ore and amazement at the teeny-weeny you in your big arse chair. And why stop with your home, trade in your car and get your self a hummer. Trade in the little white dog and get a wolf. Throw out your new iphone and get your hands on a vintage Motorola Brick.

When you apply yourself you will think of many ways of getting the world to see you for the really small person that you know you are.

Moral - Think big and you will always look small.

Mrs Walsh X